Drug

You know someone is toxic for you and not good enough for you. But somehow you are still drowning in the temporary joy that it brings you even afterwards it hurts like hell. I guess this is the withdrawaling period when you are craving for whatever that you were addicted to.

Just remember whatever it brought to you, it was toxic. The pain they have given to you has way surpassed the illusion of joy that they presented to you.

Never look back. Move forward with people who deserve you.

人的内心，既求生，也求死。我们既追逐光明，也追逐黑暗。我们既渴望爱，有时候却又近乎自毁地浪掷手中的爱。人的心中好像一直有一片荒芜的夜地，留给那个幽暗又寂寞的自我。

Life Lessons I learnt in 2018

Over the past three years in the Bay Area, I have gone through a couple disfunctional relationships. I realized perhaps I didn’t have much deep reflections on these experiences thus I keep running into guys who treat me poorly and I end up with a broken heart. Writing down my thoughts now will help me in the future hopefully.

1. Never trust anyone easily. Trust your own instincts.

There is always some reasons that make you suspect someone, and most of the time they are good reasons. Trust your own instincts and the red flags, don’t let them fool you with lame excuses and lies to deceive you in order to gain your trust. Never allowing someone to gaslight you and disregard your own feelings ever again. You can only allow them into your heart step by step.

2. Financially independent for yourself, do not cover fees for others.

Till this day, that piece of shit still hasn’t paid me back the money he owed me. I invested so much not only emotionally but also financially for his ass, but guess what, at the end of the day he doesn’t have any intention of paying you back. Because he never truly loved you or cared about you. All he cared was himself and how to deceive and manipulate ppl into giving him whatever he wants. I let him to do this to me, because I was a weak person towards the illusion of love. However, I won’t let myself or anyone else do this to me anymore. If they are not able to afford themselves, it’s not your responsibility.

3. Love yourself, your world does not revolve around anyone else but yourself.

Distinguish what is really important to you. Your priorities in life right now is to live the most by working hard towards your dreams, spending time with ppl who truly care about you and your personal development. If you invest most of your time, emotions, money, and love to someone who doesn’t even deserve anything from you, you will end up hurting yourself deeply. If you are not happy anymore, just walk away. They are not your project to fix. You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. And most of the time, they won’t ever change. You need to protect your heart, and remember your own personal standards, moral and ethical values. Don’t settle for someone who is clearly not the same level with you.

Now I am walking away for good, and I won’t ever look back. Sometimes I wish there was a pill I could take so I would forget what all those douchebags and assholes ever did to me or their exsistance in my life. However, I should remember them. Remember the lessons they have taught me. It still hurts, but I believe time will heal me. I will be better, and meet someone who deserves my love and attention.

Here are some goals in 2019 that will motivate me to work harder on my personal development and my dreams.

My #1 goal for 2019 would be live in a life filled with positivity. Be healthy physically and emotionally.

1. Working out at least 4 times a week, cardio + weights

2. Learn and develop at least one new working out rountine. Kick boxing, Olympic weightlifting, Hot Yoga, Cycle Bar, etc.

3. Enjoy doings things alone or with ppl who worth your time.

4. Learn how to drive so you can go on road trips whenever you want not depending on any others!

5. Start crypto trading

6. Keep submitting resumes and work harder on recruiting.

Here is to a new journey. I am looking forward to 2019 and the amazing things that I will do.

Remember, love yourself. You deserve better.

Moving on

Someone once told me, the quickest thing to get over someone is to imagine he is dead.

Here is me moving on 😀

Everytime

Every time I try to fly I fall

Without my wings

I feel so small

And every time I see

You in my dreams

I see your face

You’re haunting me

At night I pray

That soon your face will fade away